I am ready for the new temple

Ever feel the wasted lands touching underneath the frail hands.  hiding below taking out the windows indicating structural mishap.

I am blinded by the profanity created by individuals to consume ideas that are focused on weak and shifting paradigms mannerism dictates falsehoods created by logic. Inside this ever-changing core created by perceptions nature of surroundings there is no stability that can focus intent without structure. Perception is an idealistic creation 2 understand our own  mystery.       

Within the realms idealism, politics, and morals there is an overlapping of the hidden imagination. without bringing into reality the imagination that can be very upsetting 2 normal recognized standards of thinking and Logic. It has been seen that politicians, clergy, and other profound leaders in ideology seem to have the most distrubing yet enlightening imagination they attempt to bring forth a reality into being that insticntually as animals we know is far fetched.

We however follow stride with the imaginings of reality by these heads  of thought since they have created a complex theory to allow a fence around free will. 

I find this distrubing, no not really.  There is so many humans that the idea of no structured reality  could lead to chaos. I find it upsetting so many will Cave and follow a ideal reality that someone created yet never once decide that technically they to the individual could create a reality to surpass any of the brittle and dusty moral realities that surround us in these modern times.

Therefore I wish there was more spaghetti monster. I wish there was more demo gods, goddesses, fables, and fairy tales.   More bibles and books creating more options then a handful of outdated ones.

I look forward to the touchpad generation schooling us in the new churchs the new temples.  The old is outdated and apparently not working. The model's are not in sync with the digital age. We must adapt to our changing surroundings not cause we are victim to them but because we are actively changing them unconsciously. 

Adapt and evolve screaming a bout the past will leave you lost there. 

The new pope has been created and created himself to fit into the mold of these times.  Other ideas of realty will have to folliw suit or be desolved and ridiculed.   The past is romantic but unfortunately not always a healthy love.

I hope to personally expand create a reality I can survive in I will continue to suffer through theirs in hopes all the new forms of imagination overlap and bend the already swaying ones.  And may the rigid ones get gentle updates til the unfortunate past is renewed into a reality that can adapt to our own transforming times.

Just some thoughts ...

FULL MOON TOMORROW AND I AM GETTING FREAKING MARRIED!

Honestly, all I can think about right now is that I am getting married to the man of my dreams. He holds my heart in his hand and I am not afraid to show the world I adore him.  The wedding is kinda whatever, stressful I guess cause you hope people who love you will come and witness this ritual but you start to realize that people are "into whatever cool scene" is happening.  It sucks to find out that some party just planned is making some folks unsure they can come to the wedding since I only invited folks SINCE JANUARY. ouch. I want to tell them all if you REALLY have to consider our wedding over some other event then do not come to our wedding point blank.  Cause really you should know BAM I am going to their wedding no question to see the lovely ritual of to people, to support someone who has always been kind to me...etc. But I am not the cool crowd really, nor do I want to be half the time cause the drama they love to eat. 
I am kinda the outsider of the outsiders.  Everyone remembers me doing this, working here and there, everyone knows me.  But VERY FEW actually know me.  I do not care what people think really, I just hate faking friendships.  Speaking of faking it, I have decided once I have my new married name I am deleting my social network accounts, not my blogs, but the FB and Twitter.  I am going to delete and start a new, as a new woman, as a new person  Thus, time to clear up the fake persona.  Allow real friends to be inside my head, cause I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes I am to open on the Internet. But you know what, that is who I am, love it or leave it.
So with the new name, comes a new woman. I am so excited to be the wife of someone who treats me like a queen, makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman on earth, holds me, loves me so hard, and makes me laugh til I cannot stand laughing anymore.  I never thought I would find love like this or deserve love like this.  But I knew I had a twin soul out there.  I always felt not whole, but now I feel hole.  With his love I feel like the whole world could blow up but I know what love it now and care not what the fuck happens to all life....cause I know I found him again and plan to never lose him.  No matter what sex, form, life, etc....we have been connected.  And I refuse to lose him this time...I mean I cannot cheat death but we made agreements that will out live death. And on our wedding day the ritual will be cast, and we shall be whole in the eyes of THOSE WHO truly love and support us. 
On another note I just found my tarot layout journal which I thought had been lost to mold at my old home. I thought I had burned it with many other items. BUT LOW AND BEHOLD there it is, all 68 readings and layout designs.  I was working on a tarot layout book that could be used with ANY deck.  A book that teaches you to think outside the Celtic cross and to create your own readings.  I am so happy it was not destroyed! I added 3 new ones I have worked on.  I promised a lady I know another reading and I need to give her this.  I have done 7 readings in the last 2 years for PayPal money with people across the world. I read tarot for some lady in Australia.  See I take pictures of the reading after skyping with the person, they send me a image of them self, I Skype with them...then channel out and do the reading. I take pictures of it and send it to them, they pay me after it all but I make then at least give me 20 bucks upfront. Then I charge  a buck a min.  And if I make them a custom reading.  So far it is working. But the site I was going through is shady and may be kinda dangerous. I am considering getting my PayPal info off there soon and just working with the 4 people who already are return customers. I tend to prefer doing readings online via the net and not in person. See I read from 12 years on, I used to read at a store in my hometown when I was a teenager. I was a novelty trust me, people came to just have me read for them cause they thought I was cute, til I read for them and then they were singing a different song.  I would skateboard to the shop, set up my table with my awesome tarot tapestry, layout at least 4-10 decks and let people choose which deck.  I would do a basic for 5 bucks and a extending for 10 you wanted something special then 20. I made BANK during this little stores psychic fairs. I pissed off aged readers, cause I was cute and approachable.  I quit reading face to fave for money in 2001 when I had 4 very weird people with WEIRD issues and it GOT FUCKING WEIRD.  So I had this spirit tell me to stop making money, to do it for myself, or others who really needed it.
Well I needed extra cash and would do readings online for free them some how this lady in Chicago heard about me through a friend and begged me to read for her. I have now made some money off this lady and SHE SAYS I am helping her....I wish she would just buy her on deck cause really she should learn and do it for herself.. Why I have a hard time doing it for profit is I think it is so useful and fun people should just learn and do it for themselves especially people seeking a lot of answers. I told her this but a week later I did another reading for her, her reason is she is to busy to bother learning.  I think that is a pile of shit.  You SHOULD NEVER BE TO BUSY TO LEARN SOMETHING. But oh well....She has a lot of heartache and loss so I think I am her therapy.  Anyway, I have no idea why I just went on and on about all that. Maybe cause I am thinking about this book more seriously.  I have another book I have been dabbling with but it is a mess of streams on consciousness. I just hope I get published again. I have been published 2 times but by obscure publishers about the topic of Discordia.  A post for another day.

So full moon lunar eclipse in SAG right before our wedding....BRING IT!....I am so happy and whatever like someone said to me the people who SHOULD be there WILL be there all the rest, it is their loss.  May you keep learning, never stop, and you always have time to learn.

Again I have failed at my blogging attempts.  Side tracked by leaving a job I hated and then finding two part time jobs I love.  I have more time to myself, which is something I cherish. I am a loner honestly, I try to be social, a part of groups, in performances, at events, and social. But I end up canceling myself out, either real life keeps me or I keep myself from going.  I have no issues with this cept when I see how alone I am sometimes,  Like soon I am getting married June 1, 2013.  And now I see how I am missing on more community cause I feel alone on planning the event. My fiance is amazing and helpful in every way but he works so so so much.  And the person letting me use their space is awesome but kinda let the space go.  I have to basically clean the house and the woods and yard alone before my own wedding.  The person is letting us have our wedding at a place i adored and hated living at for 3 years.  It is a BEAUTIFUL mtn top with a lovely river/creek, a stone altar I helped make, a fire pit, and a magikal feeling to the space.  It is the place I did many a naked ritual to find love, to release and mourn, and to find a way off the mtn.  I want my wedding to be in that spot with the people around us that we love and love us.  Sadly I have no idea how to ask for help.  I am starting to feel overwhelmed and our wedding is by no means complex or expensive.  It is just a ton of labor to make look good.  Like I said the kind friend has let his home go over the years dealing with personal matters.  And now I am in shock.  I know I can do it. I am tough and hard working but I am sad I think that I am doing it alone.  I know it is my own fault for being a loner.  But I feel like I have helped so many and no one is asking me if I need help. 
Anyway I could whine all day about the 6 weeks I have til the day.  I AM BLESSED my crown has been made, my dress will be made for me, my love is supportive with the fiances of the matter since I have no bride's family to pay for anything.  I just know the ones who care will show up and the ones who do not will fade away.  This is the most important damn thing I have ever done I am serious.  Marriage to me is a no kidding real deal event.  No to be taken lightly or as some road to divorce, I do not believe in divorce unless their is physical or mental abuse otherwise I think 2 people whatever race or sex or species saying vows to each other for the time on this rock is not something to just poop on.  I know folks who divorce like it is going out of style.  I said I WOULD never marry but I am, I WILL NEVER HAVE KIDS but there is gene reasons for that.  His genes are grand but I know my blood line and we were starting to fall apart.  Anyway I am just kinda shocked at the work I have to do.

I am no longer sending invites fuck that extra work and money I was going to but fuck that. I am going to facebook the address and tell people to call someone else there helping for directions. I really hope and pray people understand it is carpool cause there is a serious lack of parking.  But the day of the wedding i am not going to care.  I am going to get drunk, RAVEL in the love of my life, have a lovely ritual, eat cake and good potluck foods and drink more.  I refuse to let anything get to me on that day.   But up til that day I am ripping my hair out LOL.

On another note:
Groups on the internet are a bad idea unless they are fantasy based or simple.  When you create a group that is to WISE for the members then the members explode. I have now learned what it was like to put a group I made to rest for the sake of all the members and not the ones making drama.  I rather it be remembered for the good it did and not the ending it met.

always on the upside never on the down...

Well now I forgot I had this little blogger....I need to speak out again and forgot you were here..So how am I? Well I moved in with the love of my life. We got engaged. We got a kitty. And I quit the soul sucking job of cold iron to a faery just two days ago. A year and a half I have been numb, tired, angry, and warn out by a job that made me hate life.  HOW could I hate life? I have the love of my life calling me his beauty everyday smiling at me and staring at me making me feel the most LOVE I have ever known. I have a awesome cat that is insane and cute that makes me laugh but I forgot cause the job made me so sad...so sucidal. My love knew and is supportive as hell for months he was telling me to leave that place that we would be fine and that I would find something. But I was scared, scared to give up the lies and comfort they were giving me. Scared to make the leap into a part time job so I could focus on my creative side more.  I mean I intend to find work soon I do value a small break to get my head straight and to sleep without distrubance for  a few days. My love so supportive is allowing me this freedom. He is hard working and stands to the fact that it does not bother him that I do this. Cause I have been with others who said it was okay and then when it did happen freaked out cause I was the sugar mamma with no sugar but some spice.  So now on my second day of being free I thank the love of my life for his patiance, his love, and his stabilty as I explore myself.  He said I am creative and creative types need to be creating he is a doer type so he wants me to create. I have never dated a doer before only other creative types and the head butting was hell. Now I feel free to think and dream....but I make sure he is well taken care of and I make him happy as I journey this path. Now as to where the path is leading I am not sure. I have my puppets, I want to write, I WANT TO SING SO BAD, I also have a friend making a movie about me, and another friend doing tours who wants me to help her bussiness. So I am standing here trying to see what I can do. The easiet thing to get my head in gear is writing. So here I am rambling away again. Trying to sort out the roads ahead of me.
I know my love life is at last perfect I am getting married....oh yeah I asked him you know why? Cause I knew it was real at last I have said no 5 times in my life...never believed in the idea of marriage at all til I met him. I know he is the one I want by my side when my hair is gray and I am pooping on myself....lol. I want his hand in mine forever and more....and it is the most real love I have ever known. I am not a fool for love but I have become a fool for is love. I adore him. He is elegant and funny charming and reliable and loyal so loyal to me. At last I feel like I met my true love. He even said that he would be okay with being the wizard behind my curtain for my creative pursuits helping me in whatever way in the backround I need. I am in shock and awe. At once I have the story book ideal of love....my knight, my king...my partner in life. I am over welmed and blessed. And I even feel giidy around him. I knew I wanted to ask him when after a year kissing him still made me dizzy. I have never experienced the first kiss or the first orgasim over and over like I have with him. That new feeling is like a drug. And it has not faded at all. So I keep wanting more. He is my king. Well that is all I will ramble tonight I will come back later and try to keep this blog going....so on that note see you next year...kidding. No I have some bad poetry I will load onto here once I get my notebooks cleaned up.
thanks for tuning in to another year in my life upside but never down....free at last.