Lately I have been trying to keep busy. Focusing in on labor and work to make my mind shut the fuck up for a bit. My head is reeling lately, thoughts are shooting by so fast and memories are being uprooted. I feel like I am lingering on the edge of something yet I have no idea where it is taking me. I know when I work, for a potter as studio help, I feel more focused and in my place. When I am cleaning someone's house, or cleaning it out I can focus on the activity, not my mind's twist. When I make people excited to go on a local halloween tour bus, I live in that moment, trying to entertain. When I am alone, I go mad. When I stare at this screen for to long, I lose myself in thoughts, painful ones. I have no idea how to relate to anyone outside my close knit friends, I am friendly but distant and not letting anymore in. I feel like something in lingering in the air above my head, and I wonder what the hell it is. What is the big shiny thing in the corner of my eye.
I think about death to much. Almost like some sort of weird obsession of late, it used to be dreams and the imagination. It is like a scythe has replaced my unicorn. And so it is hard to make people laugh. I am the comedian, I am the jokster, when I cannot make myself laugh, then what. I accept that I am broken right now, hopeful for something to fix me. I work hard, be there for the people I love, and hide in my house these days. I recently released myself of a car that was a burden and now I rely on friends to help cart my ass around. I always offer my friendly company and gas money. But my chariot, my spontaneous escape, my fire is gone. Now I have to schedule every day ahead of the next. Letting go of this was a release from a lemon of a car, but in exchange for needing help from others. My roomie who is my best friend in life, said this is the time I will see who are my real friends and who are the ones who used me. I am seeing that more clearly now. When I ask for help those that step up are my family those who push me aside are shadows. I am more aware then ever about being humble. Humble in a sense of allowing others to help me, instead of being the all powerful do it herself girl. I did not drive til I was 26 I am 33, so this has been a short journey, but now I am aware of what I want. No more okay i will take it cars, I want a VW bus. I have dreamed of one since I was tiny. When I got older I have journals of plans on how rocking it would look. Now I know I want a bad ass VW bus or truck...that will take the road I live on and I can decorate how I want. No more loan cars, with rules. I want my ART BUS!!! Then when I am stuck anywhere I can just crawl into my bus and pass out. I am doing my research again, looking at VW BUS magazines I used to collect. There is even a VW repair place near by my home with buses all lined up...I hope one will be mine. All my cars have felt like they belong to someone else, and they did. I want a chariot to be proud of and to ride with pride about my car. Feel at home in my chariot for once. So plans are brewing. This brings some light to my darkened head. This breaks some hope into my hopeless little mind.
So as I ramble out of sorts that is my entry for today I swear I will make less sense tomorrow.
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