sometimes I forget how awesome I am....

I know I sound like an ego crazed person, but I think WE all forget how awesome we are.  I skipped writing an entry yesterday due to my sorrow of missing my daddy in his b day. When I was giving up about making ends meet and crying on the floor over lost time, the phone ringed.  I later checked it to find out I was offered an opportunity to act like a nut and get paid! I am a clown at heart, I love to dress up and entertain people.  Laughter to me is like beer, the more laughs I get the higher I get. I forget sometimes that I am an outgoing, creative, and colorful lady. I have tons of ideas saved on my computer some complete some lingering on the edge of deletion, journals full of performances, stand up, songs...yet I hide. Many years ago I helped with some underground theater in town, working with other creative types.  The plays did well, but we lacked leadership, so I took over. It burned me out, it made me question relationships I had with these people, and it made me seem like the bitch telling people what to do.  I think this is why I dodge performances and other art related projects...cause the burn out.  I love helping people with their performances, I just get nervous that more will be put on me again.  So I sit here, covered in ideas and no way to let them out.  I also have some stage fright issues, even when I have written my own lines, they melt away I can improvise well thank gods, but still my mind stales out.  Dance routines become new pieces as soon as I hit the stage, sometimes I wish I had the balls to just jump on stage and let it out.  I can sing, well at least people tell me I can sing.  I just wish I knew how to play an instrument.  My daddy left me his 3greats grand pappy's banjo. Once I have even income I want to get this baby fixed. I would love to release these songs I write out.  Free them from their text captivity.  It will all happen in time.  Like my fascination with puppets, I need to make some...and get that out of my system.  I just forget how awesome I am, cause I am to busy be proud of all my creative friends.  I get lost in their performances or events, and lose myself to face book...another addiction I have.
So this winter I gotta kick out the awesome.  This little part time gig I planted let's me dress up and get awesome...I think it is going to help me get over it.  And I constantly hear my friends saying how awesome I am, I just wish I could hear it louder in my own head.  Spring I will unleash the awesomeness when the world thaws out I am going to heat it back up.  Since the passing of my parents it is time I let go of waiting and allowing myself to be simple. I need to release all that built up fear into art!  I am over hiding and watching my friends, I think it is time to see who shows up for me, to support me.  To applaud me or boo me.  So once income is at a safe speed I gotta start making my platform.  We forget we are awesome, then awesome people believe in us and remind us we freaking rock.  We all need to tell the "you suck, give up, don't try" voice to fuck off.  I mean I have seen good art and bad art and really really bad art, but still AT LEAST they created something.  So to all the "don't try" crushers out there, hear me now for myself and all my friends, let us express ourselves, STOP making us fear the outcomes.   Some really spirtual dude, or high guy, once said there it ain't the destination but the journey you need to accept.  Right? Now onto puppets singing a duet with a dueling banjo...